I took a trip home this past weekend. The weekend was fantastic. The drive was an unavoidable necessity... For some reason taking a long drives gets me a thinkin and of course it centers around my emotional state and my relationships that are going on at the current time.
Let me put this out there before I start rambling... I am happy. I am happy with who I am and with the relationship that I have found myself in.
With that said, I think itapos;s time for me to rant. This is more for my benefit than anything, but I have to piece my thoughts together somehow.
JB is the most fantastic guy that Iapos;ve ever dated. He is more considerate, nicer, and caring than any guy that Iapos;ve ever gotten to date before. Heapos;s also more emotionally guarded and has been more hurt than any guy Iapos;ve ever dated.
Weapos;re getting close to the 3 month mark. This is a big deal for me. In 3 months we have had time to get to know each other. It is a fair representation of what the next many months can offer. If I can get myself past the 3 month point then it sorta means that Iapos;m in for the long haul. Past the 3 month point for me means emotional commitment and months or years of happiness together. I donapos;t know why I have this "checkpoint", but I do...
Everything with JB is fantastic. I just have one complaint. I have no emotional investment from him. Occasionally I get a sense that heapos;s attached, but itapos;s not most of the time. If Iapos;m going on with things I must make an emotional investment into him and the relationship. I cannot do that without the same sort of investment from him. Iapos;ve been way too hurt in the past to just put myself out there.
I know that he wants to make the emotional commitment as well. Heapos;s brought it up in the past weeks. But every time that I work to discuss something serious or emotional he ends up making light of it. Itapos;s almost like I see pieces of emotions and then he hides them back behind the wall with humor.
Until I can start getting inside of that wall of his, I just feel like Iapos;m all alone on getting attached. Weapos;re quickly arriving at the point where him letting me in becomes a make or break deal. I am still emotionally removed enough from the situation that I can move on and most likely still maintain a friendship with him. But, I donapos;t think that I want to move on. I want to keep finding out more about him and getting to know him even better. I want him to trust me and to let me into his personal thoughts and feelings. I just donapos;t know if he trusts me to let me in like that.
Am I expecting too much too soon on this? Should I work to force myself to be even more patient? Should I keep waiting and hoping that heapos;ll start trusting me with emotions and private thoughts and feelings? Iapos;ve never dated a guy where deep philosophical and emotional conversation doesnapos;t flow freely from the start. Iapos;m not real sure how long I should wait to start seeing that appear. Or is it something more that his personality doesnapos;t not allow him to have such conversations and feelings and I should never expect to see it appear.
He and I both know that something is up. He knows that Iapos;ve been thinking and worrying and considering my course of action from here on out. The possibility of me moving on has caused him to close up and become even more emotionally guarded. I donapos;t know if I just take a couple of nights off and let it fizzle out and both of us to build walls that neither will be able to tear down or if I work to get him to talk and have an honest conversation about his feelings for me.
Basically, I donapos;t want this to end. But, at the same time, if Iapos;m not going to get more commitment from him then I should walk away while I still can without getting hurt.
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